Posts Tagged ‘babies’

The Daniel Fast

My sister has been doing the Daniel Fast as a weight-loss technique since Lent.  It’s a 3-week fast where you eat all natural foods, no artificial anything, and no animal by-products (meat, dairy, eggs, etc). She’s lost quite a bit of weight since Lent, and looks fantastic.  The only drawback for her is that she shocked her body with the new eating habits and her hair started thinning.  She honestly is losing her hair.  So, she posts on Facebook yesterday that she’s going to start the fast again and asked if anyone would like to join her. I committed.  *sigh*

I’m horribly nervous that I’ll lose my hair as well. She claims it was just a fluke case and it shouldn’t happen to me, but who’s to say for certain?  I’d rather be fat and have a full head of hair than skinny and bald!  But, as I was researching the Daniel Fast (really, looking for an excuse to NOT participate!), it dawned on me that this Fast is not so much about weight loss, although that’s a bonus.  It’s more about depriving yourself of pleasures, addictions, habits in order to draw closer to God.  And, Lord  knows, I need a reconnection to Him.

I’ve been struggling with my faith for a while, it’s come to an apex in the past several weeks.  I’ve stepped down from my position as Manna Project Director, gave up teaching the kids on Sunday nights at church, I no longer pray or read the Word.  Do I believe there’s a God?  Yes, absolutely, no question.  Do I believe He is the master and creator of everything under the sun?  Yep.  Am I mad at Him?  I am.  Do I think He’s playing fair?  Nope.

My husband and I have been trying to start a family since we said “I do” almost 3 years ago.  We’ve been unsuccessful.  Creating a baby, being pregnant, raising my own child has been my desire, an all-consuming desire truth be told, for 3 years.  And nothing’s working.  I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), which makes the chances of conceiving slim to none.  We’ve decided that we don’t want to see a fertility specialist, we don’t want to start the process, because where do you stop?  Would it be enough to try Clomid?  Would we then want to move into hormone injections?  and then In-Vitro?  When would we say enough is enough, none of it is working, we’re not meant to bear our own children?  I’m not willing to commit time and emotions and finances and our marriage to a “what if” possibility.  I feel like less of a woman, like I can’t give to my husband the one thing he wants, like I’ll never be complete without a child.

And, in the process of trying to wrap my head around the reality of being childless, I’ve gotten mad at God.  Prior to Christmas, I felt Him telling me to stop it, to let it go, to not be consumed with conception, but rather to be consumed with Him.  I did ok at that for a minute. Then the bitterness, the anger took root.  And I started questioning Him, and the anger grew bigger.  So the angrier I became, the more I pushed God away, the less I wanted to study Jesus, the more withdrawn I’ve become.  I don’t want to have friends who are consumed with Jesus, because I feel guilty for not feeling the same. I don’t want to go to my church and be surrounded by my church family, b/c they hit me with “it’ll be ok, God has a plan for you, I once knew so-and-so who had the same struggle and she was blessed with a baby so just bide your time.” I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to keep dredging up the feelings of hurt and disappointment, I don’t want to acknowledge my “heart” problem.

That is, until I held my brand new nephew this past weekend, and looked into his beautiful eyes and onto his sweet smile and saw my brother all through his expressions. The hurt and anger and disappointment and bitterness coupled with jealousy that threatened to overtake me.  I love that little boy, but all I could think about was this was to be me first.  My brother and his beautiful wife and step-dtr are living the life that is supposed to be mine. Selfish, yes.  But very real feelings. I realized right there that I needed to tackle the real issue, and that’s the one in my heart. I have a friend who always says “at the root of every problem is a God-issue.”  And she’s dead on.  I can’t fix this on my own, I can’t live my life avoiding babies or being jealous of the moms who are blessed.  I will jeopardize imperative relationships unless I get a handle on this, and quick.

I am angry with God, and I have pulled away from Him intentionally.  So now, starting Sunday, facilitated by the Daniel Fast, I intend to seek Him out, confront my own God-issues, and hopefully come out on the other side with less anger and more Jesus in me.  And the same amount of hair.

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